Charcuterie is Bae
Welcome to the new site! Read more about what's new on our first full post, here. This charcuterie post is the first installment of our "Probably Hosting" category, where we'll provide you with some of our tips and tricks for having your fav people over for drinks and snacks. Here ya go!
Charcuterie is like the easiest way to let your guests know you have your shit together.
Hi, I made a board of meat and cheese and eight mother effing toppings (accouterments if you’re fancy – and you are) and there is a selection of carbs but don’t eat those just pretend to eat those and here’s a drizzle of local honey because it’s allergy season and the wine is almost done decanting, darling, so please, help yourself.
But in all seriousness, if you’re a twenty something or a thirty something or literally any other kind of something and you want to impress your guests and make them aware of your innate superiority (kidding), make them a charcuterie spread.
First, the meat. Since having any kind of spread is all about balancing textures and flavors, make sure you've got some variety. We usually start with picking out three meats of varying spice level and density. Some meats are spicier and harder than others, make your jokes but keep that in mind. To start with the mildest, choose a speck or Serrano ham, which will have a soft, melt in your mouth texture. Next, move on to something like a salami gentile, which will have a touch of spice, and a nice mid-range chewiness. Finally, move on to a chorizo or spiced salami, the hardest and spiciest of them all.
It's kind of the same idea for the cheese, you'll want to select a variety of textures and stank. You're going to want at least one super sticky soft cheese that is so disgustingly stinky that no one in their right mind is going to eat it without thinking "this literally smells like death wtf." To counteract that, pick something mild for the basics (the sane people who like when cheese kind of tastes like literal butter). A good cheese for this is any kind of brie or triple-cream style cheese. From there, pick one medium-soft cheese such as a bleu - you can go as mild or as stanky as you'd like - and one hard cheese, like a smoked cheddar. Yaaas dairy, yaaas.
Now you've got to add some accouterments or whatever, which can be basically anything you want, though we've got some recommendations for you. Usually, we have at least one fruit (grapes, or our friend Cameron), one spread (Whole Foods sells this incredibly dope fig spread that will make you squeal), and some savory goodies like mixed olives or cheese twists. Also include some honey, olive oil, salt, and red pepper flakes for variety. As far as bread goes, typically a baguette and some crackers will do the trick, though you can get fancy with focaccia or brioche.
And now you've got a board that's #dressedtoimpress. We've basically just listed what we do whenever we have friends over, but please feel free to get creative! Adding a liver mousse, terrine, or pâté is a really easy way to make the board even more elegant. We can generally find everything listed above on one trip to Whole Foods, and it's often less than $40, especially if you check out the deli section that has a bucket of cheeses that are under $5. Happy hosting!